Dear Agony
by tattoobaby420
Summary: <html><head></head>What if something happened to the one you loved and you couldn't handle it? Hallucinating that they're still safe may ease the comfort for a while but eventually the walls come crashing down and all you're left with is a mess. LevXHan. Rated T for swearing and disturbing plot.</html>


I wrote this story for my dear cousin, ManipleManga. Basically I'm continuing my streak of finding OTPs we both love and killing both of the characters. This one is very dark and a little hard to understand. it's a lot of my late night rambling actually. It's like 4 a.m. and I'm dead tired. So if you don't understand, feel free to message me and I'll explain but you guys are smart so you should be able to figure it out. Leave a review if possible! Thanks for the support :D

Dear Agony

The brunette awoke with damp strands of her hair scattered across her face. She rubbed her eyes with her fists and looked around at the surroundings, she was outside and judging by the scenery that went flying past her she was in a wagon. A pain plagued over her body starting from her chest down her legs. She cried out in pain as she attempted to sit up and while she failed, she managed to capture the attention of the person sitting at the end of the wagon facing away from her. She squinted trying to make out the figure that was looming towards her, noticing the petite frame she assumed it was Corporal Levi. It was at this moment she realized that she didn't have her glasses on. He knelt down beside her and held them out to her while putting a hand on the middle of her back, helping her sit up. She hesitated before taking the glasses, she yanked them out of his hand quickly and adjusted them on her face and looked back at him. They had a large crack down the left lense. Although broken, they were clean, probably from being in the capable hands of Levi. She looked up at the man in front of her and noticed the extremely concerned look that was on his face and opened her mouth in shock. This was a rare look for him; Rivaille had always done a good job of masking his feelings. She coughed a bit into her hand noticing a small amount of blood came up and at this, he handed her a canteen of water. She gladly took it and drank it down quickly. As she looked back up at him, she noticed that he was shaking feverishly. She noted the fact that the glimmer in his eye looked artificial, it wasn't the normal glimmer she was used to seeing, it was surreal.

"Hanji, do you remember what happened?" His words were as cold and emotionless as ever. She thought for a couple seconds trying to remember any details that she could, but to no avail. She shook her head before looking back at the raven haired man. "You don't remember anything?" He pointed towards her broken 3dmg. The same concerned look on his face grew more troublesome and angry now. She took notice to the fact that his left arm was in a sling and he had a bandage wrapped around his head. He sighed and rubbed his tired eyes before reaching for her hand. He ran his thin fingers over her knuckles gently.

"Your squad, Hanji..." He sighed shakily as if he didn't want to be the one to tell her the bad news. This surprised her because he was always the one that broke the bad news and he did it well. He was very good at maintaining his feelings yet sympathizing along with them. "Zoe, they're gone. The titan killed your entire squad. You're lucky to be alive. A titan broke your grappling cord and you were thrown. You fell and hit the ground very hard." He explained that a titan had ambushed her squad on what was supposed to be an easy scouting mission. He kept repeating that her squad was gone. He kept reminding her that she was alive. That he was alive. That she was the remaining member of Squad Hanji, he also told her that he had witnessed the fall of the team. If he hadn't swung out in a desperate attempt to save her life, he wouldn't have broken his arm. He told her that it was all her fault that he was injured. She was thankful for his honesty, she was grateful because that was the only way she knew he was real. Her pain increased by the minute and when they had finally reached the walls it was questionable if she was even going to survive. They rushed the tall, mangled woman to the infirmary where they immediately checked her body over. She was badly beaten and it was apparent that she would be on bed rest for a long while. She was already in questionable mental condition and now she was in physical anguish, which they decided was due to her multiple broken bones as well as fractures. Only two people visited the mad scientist. Erwin came to visit her, although he denies it. He wished her a speedy recovery and told her how the others were worried for her. He said everything a good commander would. She felt troubled by his calm demeanor. His almost robotic movements, they didn't feel like the Commander she had learned under. She knew he wasn't real. She knew the real commander Erwin would never act so cold towards his wounded companion; especially one that was so close to him. Her second visitor, Captain Levi walked into the room with a distressed look on his face. When he saw that she was awake, it slowly dissipated. He walked over to the bed and sat down in the chair beside it. He looked into her eyes for several minutes before saying anything. "You almost died today, Shit glasses." He whispered. She hadn't noticed it but he was shaking frantically, holding back the racking sobs that threatened to come. But they never did. He knew at this moment how he felt about her. He'd tell her eventually, he could never forgive himself if he didn't tell her before her crazy ass died. He watched as she pushed herself to sit up in her bed. Idiot.

"Yeah that's what I've been told. They also told me some idiot swooped in and saved me. Almost killing himself. Some stupid foolish idiot." She shook her head almost causing her glasses to fall off. She reached for his hand and pulled it onto her lap. The contact caused him to jerk his eyes up to meet hers. He noticed her natural beauty, her disheveled locks of dark brown hair cascading down her face instead of being thrown in a sloppy bun like usual. He raised his eyebrows in surprise at how her beautiful amber eyes shined under the thick rims of her glasses. He wanted to tell her, but the words never came out.  
>"Tch, here." He held his hand out and gently pushed her glasses back into position, lightly running his hand down her cheek. She smiled lightly under his hand and watched him, her smile slowly faded as she thought she saw a tear stream down his face. She could have sworn she heard his breath hitch as he gently exhaled. She had imagined that, she had also imagined the loving look in his eyes. A man with so much anger in his heart wasn't capable of these emotions her eyes were tricking her into seeing. She shut her eyes, letting herself succumb to sleep. Letting herself drift away from him, she hated the way she drifted away and couldn't tell him how she felt. Is this the way it's gotta be?<p>

When she awoke, he was gone. Whether he was even there in the first place was unknown to her. She looked outside, the windows were hazed and the outside was pure nothingness. She saw no color, no movement but if she had to guess, she'd say it was early morning. She could tell from the chilly air that clung to her, threatening to flutter her bones. The room was empty other than her and the bed; it was just as silent as it was empty. She touched her face; she pinched her arm to feel for pain, desperately checking to see if she was awake or even alive. Her heartbeat was lethargic and irregular. She twitched lightly, for a moment, she thought she was dying. The air which was one of the few things she could cling to, suffocating her and threatening to take the life from her as well. Hanji attempts to let out a scream but she falters and gags. Just as she choked, she heard footsteps loudly tear her from her horror. At once she felt a complacent wave wash over her entire body, those footsteps.

"Four eyes, what's going on in here?" Levi. She felt the air come back to her, the room became warm again. She looked around and the room was furnished again, she could hear the bustle of the outside world and could view it outside her window. She looked up at the man in her doorway; she saw the look of worry hadn't left his eyes.

"Nothing, Levi."

"Tch." He lay down on her bed, beside her. He wrapped an arm around her neck and draped his left arm overtop of her. Wasn't his left arm broken? The question was gone from her mind as soon as it had even entered.

"Are you planning on talking to me? I could still die, you know?" She winced at the though.

"The world couldn't get that lucky, Hanji." He looked at her with an arrogant look on his face.

"Yeah, I know." She looked down at her hands. The images of what she wished she could be doing with them never left her mind. She remembered using her hands so much in her studies but now she couldn't even remember how to work them properly. She and Levi had an unspoken relationship. They had a silent agreement to love each other but not tell the other, a silent agreement to love the abhorrent characteristics in each other. Truth is, the Corporal was beyond scared for his brunette freak. She was just as worried for her angry midget. They both knew the others feelings but neither said a word. Neither broke the silent code. Sometimes they would touch; times it would be quick and pointless like a pat on the back other times it would be prolonged and wistful like a passionate kiss. Their love was as abnormal as the defiant titans outside the walls and that's the only way it worked.

Levi visited Hanji many times during her stay in the infirmary. He visited daily to tell her he loved her. Not verbally but physically and mentally. He tells her about the new recruits to the survey corps and about the upcoming mission. He tells her how sorry he is that she won't be joining them, yet he's happy that she wouldn't be. She'll be safe at the base.

"We'll be outside the walls and you'll be cooped up in here, shit glasses." He scoffs and looks the girl in the eyes. Her beautiful lively amber eyes.

"Oh shut the hell up, Levi." She throws a pencil at him. Hanji smiles at him even though on the inside she's screaming in anguish. Begging him, pleading for him not to go. "What if something happens to you and I'm not around to clean up the mess, you clean freak?" She raises an eyebrow.

"You're the one that nearly got yourself killed last time. I have to go, we're leaving tomorrow morning. This is goodbye for now." He walks to her and kisses her on the forehead, delicately and compellingly. At his touch she instantly melts.

"Goodbye Corporal." She salutes the man, her man.

"See ya later, shit glasses." He begins to leave but something stops him, like an invisible wall. He turns back around to her. "Hey, Hanji?" He begs her to listen, begs her to hear what he can't say. Only he can't say it. He stares at her for what seems like eternity, hearing a conversation in his mind, it's beautiful and it's everything he's ever wanted. But it never happens.

"Yes?" She looks at him with an all knowing expression. She is a scientist after all, she can understand elementary psychology. She knows what he wants to tell her but she doesn't pry.

"Nothing, four eyes." And he's gone. He doesn't understand his feelings yet, when he does though he'll be strong enough to drag her out of the depths of hell. Her smile stays though because she knows. She knows what he can't say.

_I love you too, Levi._

Days go by, she doesn't hear from anyone. The room is back to its cold empty beginning. The window stays fogged over and the room remains empty. She doesn't realize that the last time she saw him was the last time. She doesn't quite understand what's going on. She feels the pain wash over her body and a deep sharpness in her chest. As she brings her shaky hand up to grab the wound, she feels a sticky substance. The red tinge of blood that coats her cold frame and is pouring out of an open wound on her chest brings her immense cognizance. She watches her hands as she sees them glow transparent. Suddenly she's back in the woods on that day, the day that landed her in this god awful infirmary. Her mind flashes back to the day that landed her in the cold blazes of her own personal hell.

_**Hanji stood on the top branch of one of the uselessly tall oak trees swooning over the titan looming before her. It was a thirteen meter with a pair droopy eyes and an ugly disturbingly large mouth. It had droplets of drool falling from his mouth; the monster had blood stained all over its large hands from squashing and tearing the rest of Hanji's team apart. They had fallen to its evil grasp right before her and still she taunted it. Its reflexes were much quicker than many of the other titans they had encountered. It took out her entire team like they were insects and here stood this audacious mad woman before Corporal Levi taunting the damn thing. She lived her life in fear of no one, not even the giant beast that stood before her. She didn't give up; she fought until the very end. He stood still and watched the horror unfold. Watched the woman he loved be thrown to her death. She deployed her hook into a tree across the path and flew around the titan landing on the tree behind it. She shot her grapple hook into the side of its neck to try and get the edge on it and swung herself around aiming to cut it along the nape of its fat neck. When she moved along its left side it grabbed her cable and yanked on it with force sending her flying towards the ground. Levi shot his hook out towards where she was landing but couldn't get there fast enough. She came down hard the ground, her glasses went flying. They were cracked and covered with small tinges of blood. A loud crack of bones shattering could be heard and right after them her screams of agony filled the forest. Her body was mangled and covered in blood. It was over for her, it was all over. She felt the cooling air of death slip into her nostrils as she choked on her last few breaths. She could barely talk but she kept trying, she needed to tell Levi something before she died but when she opened her mouth to talk, she gurgled up blood instead….**_

She suddenly remembered everything. She was dead. The past three weeks had been a mind trick that her own brain had fooled her into believing. She had a sick twisted memory and she was almost thankful for it because she gained this insight. She wondered about Levi, she wondered if she would get to see his face again on the other side. She waited until she had completely crossed before saying what had been too proud to say during her lifetime.

_I love you too, Levi._

"Oi, shitty glasses. I'm back." Levi casually called into the room where they kept the injured Hanji. "You're awfully quiet-"he though when he entered the room he would see her but when he opened the door, all he saw was the white curtain around her bed. He drew the curtain back expecting to see the tall scientist giving him that same old shit eating grin she always had but what he really found destroyed him. He tumbled to the ground and crawled towards her bloody glasses that were lying in the middle of the floor. He stopped just before his hand could grasp them; afraid to pick the painfully memorable object up at first. When he did, the horrifying occurrences of that conclusive day returned to him. He stared acutely into the lenses of his lover's goggles; smashed and covered in blood. He pictured her beautiful amber eyes peering out from deep inside of them while she talked relentlessly about her research. He remembered that day. He remembered her leaving him alone in anguish. But he also remembered something else. He remembered what happened to himself that day. He choked on his tears as he felt himself fading fast.

_**Levi looked at her body laying on the ground in revolt. He could remember time standing still in those moments. He could remember praying that it was all a bad dream and that he'd wake up and she would be safe. The fucked up part was that it wasn't a dream. She was actually dead. Hanji Zoe was actually gone for good. He had watched as she tried to speak to him but blood poured out of her mouth instead of words. Before this moment, he couldn't imagine a day where he wouldn't remove her sleeping form from her desk and lay her in her bed. He would gently lift her glasses from her face and kiss the red mark they left on the bridge of her nose. He figured he would be doing that until the day they died, together. He was so wrapped up in the thought of losing her, he didn't realize his left arm hanging loosely at his side. "Fuck shitty glasses, you promised me. Don't leave me." Corporal Levi sobbed for the first time in his life on that day. He knelt immobile by her side before pulling her into his grasp. Holding the corpse of the girl he never got to confess his love to, it was a sad end really. He squeezed her close, feeling the warmth leave her body. He had almost forgotten about the titan until he felt the ground rumbling behind him. When he knew his end was seconds away, he squeezed her tight against his chest. If she was going out, he was going with her.**_

"Shitty glasses, I will always love you."


End file.
